hi mom, i go to film school

um, yes please?

http://www.wired.com/underwire/2009/06/first-look-tim-burton-takes-alice-to-weird-wild-wonderland/

101.4

is it weird that i hope i have swine flu?

According to the CDC, like seasonal flu, symptoms of swine flu infections can include:

• fever, which is usually high, but unlike seasonal flu, is sometimes absent
• cough
• runny nose or stuffy nose
• sore throat
• body aches
• headache
• chills
• fatigue or tiredness, which can be extreme
• diarrhea and vomiting, sometimes, but more commonly seen than with seasonal flu

brownishred means i have that symptom-- i loooove being sick.

oh by the way

he broke up with me because i was overweight. haha.

wanted: mildly attractive boy easy on the eyes who is not bothered by the fact i can't rock a bikini. must enjoy silly text messages, not giving a fuck about where we'll be tomorrow, and has to take life one day at a time. also needs to not take life so goddamn seriously. no intelligence necessary-- i did well enough the last time without it.

optional brownie points:
- hates physics
- has accomplished more than being in a clique one time in high school
- enjoys pokemon
- likes long walks on the beach (or through downtown rochester)

summer simmer

summer can henceforth only be known as bad news bears.

the only things i've managed to do are sleep, eat, work, and think and as everyone knows, thinking is bad. a lot of things have gone in and out of my head over the past two weeks (wow, it's only been two weeks? goddamn) and it's had a lot of emotional baggage to go with it. it's weird for me if only because i may be passionate, but i'm not really emotional when it comes to things, but since i've been simmering here on this hole-riddled couch in my sweltering living room, there's been a lot on my mind. i hate that feeling, but it's impossible to get rid of it.

while talking to lily about people's relationships lately, we've determined 'types' in accordance to break ups. our friend invests way too much of herself into relationships and therefor has a huge breakdown when it's over-- the over-emotional investor. lily is a passive emotional person when it comes to break ups; she's sad and misses a lot that comes with it, but knows how to get over it and not let it affect her life too much. as for me? i'm the delayed-reaction breakup type.

when i first broke up with my boyfriend, i was okay with it. i was the one who brought it into the light and though i showed a little hesitation for it (i still liked him so i tried one more time; who wouldn't?) i was okay with it. i was fine and happy and never felt better the day after. i thought we would both be happier with that decision. however, two (almost three) weeks later, i'm starting to hate this feeling of being alone. i miss him, and a lot reminds me of him. it's not crippling and i'm not to the state of going OMG I MISS U TAKE ME BACK PLZ I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, but i feel substantially upset. i don't know if it's the concept of not having a boyfriend for support, but i don't think so, because i'm seeing him in other people, not picturing myself with somebody else. i've been trying to think of other guys as a joke to get myself back into the single girl swing of things ('he's hot!' or 'man, look at that guy. augh, he's cute') but, it's not working. haha. we didn't have that tight of a relationship, but i miss it, i miss him, and it stinks. i'm not sure what to do about it; i'm comfortable with the decision and don't regret it, but i wish i had something to get my mind off of it. we're still friends (he's at least spoken with me this summer, it made me happy) so that's a great thing, and i don't want to ruin that.

bah. i hate the summer; i'd much rather not think about it.

yesterday

yesterday was a very strange day. i held lengthy conversations with people i didn't expect to.

then again, i learned about the fact that i don't need one of them as much as i thought i did, and it re-instilled my faith in the other one.

things get so complicated when you get bored.

(and by yesterday i pretty much mean two days ago if you want to get technical. the 26th. this whole staying up past midnight thing's got my clock in a perpetual loop. eek.)

the dangers of mallard ducks

So tonight I walked into the bushes and got scared shitless by a duck. Yes, a duck. At 12 am... in the bushes... chillin' out. A duck. I screamed "Ahhh, it's a duck!". At 12am. In the quad of my college. A female mallard duck just hanging out in the dark. Did I mention it was at 12am in the middle of a quad at my college about a tenth of a mile from any body of water? In the bushes... just hanging out at 12 am. Did I mention I got scared and yelled? and then it flew away?

Everyone laughed.

woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture

It's kind of eerie how weird our floor feels when people leave and there's no more paint on the doors. You see stuff in the hallways and wonder why it's there until it clicks and you realize people are going home. I've never been so sad about leaving a place before... I mean, it's not like we aren't coming back. Everyone that matters will still be here in three months. But... I don't know. It's going to be weird eating by myself, sleeping in a room by myself, not getting woken up by yelling at obscure hours, not being able to yell down the hall if I need something, and being ten minutes away from friends. It's depressing. It's so hard to understand though because I was fine without all of this stuff a year ago, but it's so weird to imagine not having it now.

Same goes with being single. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend already. I did okay without having a boyfriend for 18 years of my lonesome little life, but now that I've experienced it and devoted a lot of my time to him, it's weird to imagine what I have to do without it. No hard feelings of course, but I miss being important to someone and I miss devoting my time to them. I have my friends and I'll be doing things for them all summer, but it's still so strange to imagine it. Things will come along and maybe I'll find someone else when I come back in the fall, but for now, it's gonna be kinda lonely, weird and sad. Oh well-- I'm determined to make the best of it.

It's great how passionate everyone is as of late. Every waking minute of my life this week has been spent with a group of other people, and we're doing things as if every second counted. Today we hung out in Jeremy's room all day, trekked to screenings, sat around in the grass outside of Building 76, watched some films, walked to dinner, came back, sat around, went outside and claimed our hill and just laid on each other. I guess to anyone else it would seem so peculiar how close we are and the things we're comfortable doing with each other. I love it though. It made this week so precious to me and it finally feels like I've made friends who are friends with me because they like me and care about me, unlike so many of the friends I've had in high school. There are a couple friends waiting for me at home who still care, and I appreciate them, but college has helped me discover who I am and what I want from life.

I've changed as a person and I'm in the greatest place I could be and I'm determined to make the most of it.