Thursday, June 17, 2010

resurrection

i think that's my problem with emotional release-- i always make a journal, and then forget to use it for months, sometimes years at a time. recently, caleida journal closed down and i lost a lot of my 13 year old self to the catacombs of the internet. i almost wish that i preserved those, and that in ten years, i'd still be able to look back at them and laugh at how much i wanted to be a nonconformist and how much i hated my grandmother. maybe the same thing will happen to this journal... i don't know, i'm a lot less of a zealot now. things don't impact me like they used to. i'm skeptical, more hesitant to invest all of myself into something (no matter how irrelevant and useless it very well may have been).

i'm going into my junior year of college which feels absolutely unreal. just two years ago i was messing around on the internet like a jackass, chasing after john bain and being a general useless piece of shit. 50k + debt later, i'm sitting in a production studio doing rotoscope work eating mozz, basil and chicken sandwiches. i don't know exactly how i ended up going in the direction that i have, but i enjoy it. i go to this internship knowing that if i had to, i'd be happy doing this for the rest of my life. it's enlightening almost, but still terrifying that maybe in 30 years, i'll be doing this exact thing, trying to make ends meet.

i've realized that i miss a lot of my past in some fashion. i miss the people i used to know, miss the important connections i fostered, and the degree to which i tried to succeed. now that i've built up my intertia going in one direction, i almost want to stop and attempt to go in the other direction, or slow it down.

i love new york city, though. i love the subways, i love the grime, i love the rooftop gardens of chelsea. the atmosphere is fantastic, even though i miss the creeks and the birch trees. i adore the hustle and bustle and the constant running ... it keeps me on my toes, and i love to be engaged. it's truly something fantastic..

nevertheless, i thrive for something more engaging. something more real. i'm not necessarily looking for love, and hate using his relationship as a crutch or some figure for comparisons, but i want something like john and i had. something that feels real, palpable, and neverending. i don't get that with any of my current friends-- i love them and all they do, but we don't connect like that. they don't understand every fiber of my being, and they never surprise me. they are my friends, they're precious, and i will always trust them, but i'm longing, and i don't think there's anyone in my life right now that cares about me in that sense anymore.

i miss it.

but i guess that's how it goes (and goes and goes).

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