yesterday

yesterday was a very strange day. i held lengthy conversations with people i didn't expect to.

then again, i learned about the fact that i don't need one of them as much as i thought i did, and it re-instilled my faith in the other one.

things get so complicated when you get bored.

(and by yesterday i pretty much mean two days ago if you want to get technical. the 26th. this whole staying up past midnight thing's got my clock in a perpetual loop. eek.)

the dangers of mallard ducks

So tonight I walked into the bushes and got scared shitless by a duck. Yes, a duck. At 12 am... in the bushes... chillin' out. A duck. I screamed "Ahhh, it's a duck!". At 12am. In the quad of my college. A female mallard duck just hanging out in the dark. Did I mention it was at 12am in the middle of a quad at my college about a tenth of a mile from any body of water? In the bushes... just hanging out at 12 am. Did I mention I got scared and yelled? and then it flew away?

Everyone laughed.

woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture

It's kind of eerie how weird our floor feels when people leave and there's no more paint on the doors. You see stuff in the hallways and wonder why it's there until it clicks and you realize people are going home. I've never been so sad about leaving a place before... I mean, it's not like we aren't coming back. Everyone that matters will still be here in three months. But... I don't know. It's going to be weird eating by myself, sleeping in a room by myself, not getting woken up by yelling at obscure hours, not being able to yell down the hall if I need something, and being ten minutes away from friends. It's depressing. It's so hard to understand though because I was fine without all of this stuff a year ago, but it's so weird to imagine not having it now.

Same goes with being single. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend already. I did okay without having a boyfriend for 18 years of my lonesome little life, but now that I've experienced it and devoted a lot of my time to him, it's weird to imagine what I have to do without it. No hard feelings of course, but I miss being important to someone and I miss devoting my time to them. I have my friends and I'll be doing things for them all summer, but it's still so strange to imagine it. Things will come along and maybe I'll find someone else when I come back in the fall, but for now, it's gonna be kinda lonely, weird and sad. Oh well-- I'm determined to make the best of it.

It's great how passionate everyone is as of late. Every waking minute of my life this week has been spent with a group of other people, and we're doing things as if every second counted. Today we hung out in Jeremy's room all day, trekked to screenings, sat around in the grass outside of Building 76, watched some films, walked to dinner, came back, sat around, went outside and claimed our hill and just laid on each other. I guess to anyone else it would seem so peculiar how close we are and the things we're comfortable doing with each other. I love it though. It made this week so precious to me and it finally feels like I've made friends who are friends with me because they like me and care about me, unlike so many of the friends I've had in high school. There are a couple friends waiting for me at home who still care, and I appreciate them, but college has helped me discover who I am and what I want from life.

I've changed as a person and I'm in the greatest place I could be and I'm determined to make the most of it.

thank you

I just wanted to thank him for being a strong person and for giving me something to live for over the past three months. We're done now, but I know I learned a lot and I owe him very much.

I'm glad there are beautiful people out there and I hope you can all find one.

now with more win!

I have to say that the best thing we do is live life up when we realize that we only have a week left. I woke up at 9 today to go finish our mural we're painting for community service and crammed 7 people into a car that normally fits 5 (that included Maggie and Ashley in the 'trunk' which was probably about a foot and a half of space). Bryan drove, Jeremy got the front and I crammed into the back seat with Robyn and Jesse. We finished the mural with time to goof off and we took plenty of wonderful pictures. After drowning in a ball pit, trying to hula hoop and successfully getting paint everywhere, we stumbled back into the car. We pit stopped at Friendly's, drew on our placemats, had the best food we've had in a really long time, then wandered out into the parking lot in the rain. On the way back, we pulled into Show World (an adult video store) and were ready to corrupt a few individuals until we were asked for our IDs. Of course very few of us remembered them and even though we were old enough, we had to leave. We made sure to laugh at an elderly couple coming out and then piled back into the car.

I kind of love living life to its fullest, even if it involves pretending to be walruses, painting sea horses, and yelling like angry Irishmen into the rainy afternoon.

(:

morose and melancholy

So today was eventful. At around 10 pm we decided to walk the entire length around our campus (which is pretty big, mind you) and so we did. I received a buttercup flower, kicked dandelions around, and yelled things at passing cars. We gave two people directions, got an engine revved at us, and spied on a house. On the way back, we passed the track and decided to lay on the bleachers and look at the stars. I walked down and ran a successful lap on the track, took a breath then ran again, collapsing into the grass soon after. We stared up for a while and just laid there, enjoying the night.

A couple hours later, I sat outside with a boy and spoke softly about our lives, laughed about a movie, then hugged awkwardly at the bus stop.

I don't think I've ever been so sad about leaving a place before.

dial 981 for justine on your keypad now

Hobbies include: Going on Facebook during morning lectures, eating watermelon out of coffee cups, and long walks on the beach.

harbinger of chocolate

I think it's kind of peculiar because I find chocolate - chocolate chip muffins the sign of a bad morning. I've never really been a fan of chocolate, but the only muffin I managed to get out of a machine packed with cinnamon apple, banana nut... was double chocolate. That's gotta be pointing to something bad, right?

I'm actually just banking on going home and going to bed after this 4 hour lecture. It sounds incredibly appealing, to be quite honest.

summertime blues

It's weird how a lot of people view summer as the harbinger of happiness-- it's the beacon of hope for every school kid no matter how you put it. In elementary school, it means more fun to run around and build tree forts. In middle school, no more annoying homework to deal with. In high school, an excuse to go out and have fun with friends and make some cash. In college, a break from the finals and harrowing responsibility. A lot of people look forward to just doing the opposite of college work and just appreciating the summer a little bit-- it's better than homework and responsibility, that's for sure.

But... I'm actually a little scared of summer. I'm going to miss my friends. "How am I supposed to eat alone?! I never eat alone!" "What am I supposed to do without Art House?" "I don't want to work-- I want to goof off at college and be ridiculous!" It's so unfortunate. But maybe it's not that that I'm scared of. They'll still be here when we get back next year, so I don't think I'll have the potential to miss them terribly. I think the thing I'm scared the most of is my relationship.

It's my first one, and we've been dating for about... three months now. But then, I guess it scares me because in two weeks, we won't see each other for another three months... I'm not worried about me so much as I'm worried about him. I have all the faith in the world in him despite the way he thinks of things and how he views relationships and how he holds on to his traditions. He's hesitant to try anything new and values the things he's always done and sticks to them. It's very opposite of me because I always try to do new things and make things up as I go-- I love him for the challenge. He's so different from me and I appreciate it. But part of me wonders if he appreciates me too? I do a lot for him and he says he likes it, but I'm paranoid. I like him a lot and want it to work but part of me wonders if he could care less or not.

Summer.

It worries me but not as much as it could. I can say something to him or not say something to him and be fine either way. I'm confident even when I shouldn't be. I'm happy even when I shouldn't be. I'm excited even when I shouldn't be. I know I want to stay with him and I will work with him over summer break and talk to him like I always do. But I hope he tries to do the same-- it's the only thing I trust in right now. I have faith in him and that's all I can do, right?

(:

<3