mantra

definitely considering dropping out of school to be a coffee grower and i'll have a farm and work with the locals to harvest my green coffee beans and roast them overnight in my private processing factory and sell coffee to strapping young men patrolling my villa in ecuador during the late hours of the night and have them light my fire and study botany and entomology in my spare time and ride horses to the factory.

sorry i'm a narcotic

so last night, i had this dream that i forget up until a point where i was walking down a dirt road surrounded by fields with the occasional tree. i hop the thick wood fence into a thicket under this cover of a few trees, and i find these blackberries that i used to eat as a kid. they're huge, the biggest i've ever seen, and i pull out my cellphone to take a picture and send them to my dad. i spend a while trying to get the perfect angle, when suddenly someone's at my left. i look up through the hazy field and see an old friend from high school tapping incessantly around the trunk of this really big oak tree, circling it and tapping, circling and tapping. i eat a berry and watch him and he goes, "sorry. i'm a narcotic." i look at him, confused, and he stops and goes up to me and i shove another berry in my mouth.

and then i wake up.

i haven't remembered any dream this well in a while, but i'm confused.

here's a question

okay, so imagine you're standing a subway platform in new york city where the trains run every 5-10 minutes depending on what time of day you're there. they usually run without fail and a train always comes. so why do you lean over the edge of the platform to look down the rail avidly? i don't quite get it... i catch myself doing it too. i mean, what advantage do you have seeing the train first on a crowded platform? why do you need to see the train coming down the tunnel? does it prove it's coming? but they always come. i don't know, i was wondering this on the way home. i think hearing it and seeing it when it's down the platform is enough... i don't get why people lean forward to look when it's 99.99% guaranteed to arrive.

it's weird.

alejandro

so today i went to long island with my brother's roommate jason to go pick up derrick (my brother), cara (my brother's best friend) and mario (jason's boyfriend) from this theater in merrick. they were at callbacks from spelling bee. it was my first time to long island, and i was not impressed, but i realized theater kids are fuckin weird. there was a guy with crazy eyes, some lesbians, a really tall guy, someone who looked like roger from rent, and miscellaneous other strange girls and guys from the tristate. it was weird. then we all went to get dinner at applebees, ogled men, discussed creepy eye guy, piled into the car. it was quite possibly the gayest car ride i've ever been in, sandwiched with three gay guys, and a theater girl singing gaga all the way back to manhattan.

my life is interesting.

west jersey

this weekend was ... eventful- i went to animenext for my fifth year now. i love being a nerd for a weekend yet ragging on every insane "otaku" mercilessly. it's fucking fantastic. hit some cool panels, met littlekuriboh (the creator of yu-gi-oh the abridged series), had some laughs, and hung out with stephanie and her mom. met up with good ol' bloodlent for some wily shenanigans after stephanie went to sleep saturday night. made fun of him in line, met up again and went to play werewolf until 7:30am. it was hilarious and the most fun i've had in a long time, though i'm soooo exhausted holy christ. i only got like 5 hours of sleep on friday night, woke up around 7 or 8 on saturday, and only got one our of sleep that night and i'm still going. i don't plan on going to bed for a while either. whatever, it was awesome to see john and cool to make some new friends (even if they always suspected me of townspeople murder).

i love shit like this.

resurrection

i think that's my problem with emotional release-- i always make a journal, and then forget to use it for months, sometimes years at a time. recently, caleida journal closed down and i lost a lot of my 13 year old self to the catacombs of the internet. i almost wish that i preserved those, and that in ten years, i'd still be able to look back at them and laugh at how much i wanted to be a nonconformist and how much i hated my grandmother. maybe the same thing will happen to this journal... i don't know, i'm a lot less of a zealot now. things don't impact me like they used to. i'm skeptical, more hesitant to invest all of myself into something (no matter how irrelevant and useless it very well may have been).

i'm going into my junior year of college which feels absolutely unreal. just two years ago i was messing around on the internet like a jackass, chasing after john bain and being a general useless piece of shit. 50k + debt later, i'm sitting in a production studio doing rotoscope work eating mozz, basil and chicken sandwiches. i don't know exactly how i ended up going in the direction that i have, but i enjoy it. i go to this internship knowing that if i had to, i'd be happy doing this for the rest of my life. it's enlightening almost, but still terrifying that maybe in 30 years, i'll be doing this exact thing, trying to make ends meet.

i've realized that i miss a lot of my past in some fashion. i miss the people i used to know, miss the important connections i fostered, and the degree to which i tried to succeed. now that i've built up my intertia going in one direction, i almost want to stop and attempt to go in the other direction, or slow it down.

i love new york city, though. i love the subways, i love the grime, i love the rooftop gardens of chelsea. the atmosphere is fantastic, even though i miss the creeks and the birch trees. i adore the hustle and bustle and the constant running ... it keeps me on my toes, and i love to be engaged. it's truly something fantastic..

nevertheless, i thrive for something more engaging. something more real. i'm not necessarily looking for love, and hate using his relationship as a crutch or some figure for comparisons, but i want something like john and i had. something that feels real, palpable, and neverending. i don't get that with any of my current friends-- i love them and all they do, but we don't connect like that. they don't understand every fiber of my being, and they never surprise me. they are my friends, they're precious, and i will always trust them, but i'm longing, and i don't think there's anyone in my life right now that cares about me in that sense anymore.

i miss it.

but i guess that's how it goes (and goes and goes).